The secret to a full life is to live and to relate to others as
if they might not be there tomorrow, as if you might not be there
tomorrow. It eliminates the vice of procrastination, the sin of
postponement, failed communications, failed communions.
~Anais Nin.

summer solstice today. longest day of the year.
a day where I would like to be doing nothing
but lounging and laughing and loving.

even when there seems to be nothing to do
there's always so much to do, that I'm not doing.

Things I could be/should be doing:

Eating enough fruits and vegetables
Taking my vitamins and supplements
Exercising
Stretching
Consolidating debts and rehabilitating my credit
Making personalized presents for my family
Learning about my grandparents' history
Wearing sunscreen
Cleaning, organizing my room
Cooking delicious and nutritious meals
Meditating
Cleaning up my file directories
Refreshing my resume
Reaching out to old friends
Volunteering where I might be useful
Diversifying my assets

What I'll probably do

Work
Call friends on the phone
Check Blogger/Literotica/Craigslist obsessively for choice packets
Check my VM obsessively hoping someone will call
Photoshop pictures of myself and others
A little more work
Smoke Bowls to my Head

~~~~~~

Watching movies last night and
I thought of what a boy looks like when he
is kissing or embracing a girl.
I forget the feeling of a boy because
I am in the moment of being a girl held by a boy.

One morning this week I remembered
With a grown man's smooth shaven face against my own
I realized
I want to give, but I can't take
I can't accept compliments
I have a hard time accepting kindness
And I can give my love so freely and wholly to someone else
My passion and my desire
Things I want to give away

I've always had a problem receiving anything for myself.
Because I don't feel I deserve anything.
I've always had a problem asking for help.
And by now if you have been following from the beginning,
you know I have a serious problem
asking for what I want, for what I need.

To the point that I have convinced myself
this is because my need is a black hole
no one can ever fill it. satisfy me.
no one will ever be able to tear the gag out of my mouth
to let me speak the things I want which I can't ever seem to say.

Something I forgot. the time, once, after
Hugo first fell in love with me
(or so he said)
and we were in a group outing
and I was angry at his jealousy
Angry because he had made me so
vulnerable
and my armaments kicked in
and the next thing I knew
I had frozen up
as a woman sometimes does

He had to witness from afar
my naked body rising from the tub
steaming and glistening in the moonlight
skin taut from the cold winter night

I knew he was watching
Of course I knew
I walked away, with a proud gait
knowing he was watching
the droplets of water
dripping slowly down the curve of my back
to my hips, my ass,
the backs of my thighs and knees
down to my ankles to collect
at my feet.

I walked away, thinking, "Good."

Later on that evening,
I saw his powerful form
sitting alone on a bench,
hunched over, his shaven head in his hands,
bowed.

And for the first time it struck me
that this powerful body of a man
who said he loved me
even as he displeased me
even as he was with someone else
might suffer, might hurt because of me.

I dismissed the thought as something
too egocentric to be true.
I thought, I am just me, tiny and infintesimal,
unassuming and not a strikingly gorgeous
female who might inspire such
passion.
I'm a fool to think he would
care so much about me.
I'm nothing, really. Nothing special.

This sentiment persists within me!
Disbelief at the possibility that
anyone could invest so much care
in me, of me.
Who am I, anyway, you know?

Just a junkie. A dopamine junkie
with the interior decor of a 17 year old girl,
addicted to internet, porn and illicit drugs.
Oh, and kissing.
A dopamine junkie who's heart is broken
so many times over.
A girl-woman who smiles and laughs
with joy at life and enjoys the tempest
Strong enough to slay dragons
But needing care because
she cares not too much for her own self.

Sunshine Sunshine
Make me a conduit of love and light
Help me to grow up to be a better girl
Heal my saccadic movement addicted eyes
Help me to be everything good that I can
for everyone else
because I hope that fulfilling someone else's wish
for love, acceptance and understanding
will give me the grace to fulfill these things
within myself.

P.S. Did you find me trying to sneak in a thought to CL? Ha.
Where it all began.