For awhile there I felt my days were moving by
so fast I scarcely had time to gather my thoughts to chronicle.

The waves are crashing,
ebbing and flowing.
Feeling beloved,
cherished and desired;
alternately days of feeling wretched,
utterly hideous inside and out.
Self conscious under the attention, the scrutiny,
the boys jocking me.
Wondering if I look stupid, if I look fat.
My tummy is a little round.
I’m eating chocolate like a little piggy.
My titties are swollen and tender.

Picture me a little asian girl in a little t-shirt
and cut off shorts, with a mouthful of
chocolate ding-dong, having just hit the bing-bong,
eyes hypnotized by little popping bubbles
of the PS game Bust a Move 4.
No bra, a little bit of tummy,
bare legs carelessly dangling.
Listening to Kahimi Karie.

Imagine if you will, like a dress up doll,
the same small child woman
hair brushed back into a neat ponytail,
groomed for business casual,
a desk jockey like all y’all,
on a 9 a.m. conference call
with men old enough to be her father.

That’s me. Out of drag, in office drag.

~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news.

Lovely Visits to Other Worlds.
Because context is everything, isn’t it?
And although you can’t ever control
the way someone else feels or thinks,
you can set the ambiance, pre-record the
soundtrack and hie thee to a worthy context.

Northern California, the Bay Area, is
resplendent with dramatic settings.

Street corners, the parks, the Ferry Buildings,
the Bridges, the vistas, the oceans and the cliffs.
How can we not think our lives cinematic?

Little hitchhiking girl is me, picked up by a
respectable looking young man with a
disarming and trustworthy smile.

Speeding down Hwy One with the horizon
and crashing waves to my right.
A man who drives with one hand on my left.

Me in a little dress and white panties.
Being feeled.
Observing the curled lips in a lustful smile
behind eyes half lidded through the miles
and miles of suspended desire.

He makes a hairpin turn to taste the evidence.
My little white panties soiled with evidence
my arousal creamy and unstoppable.

A sweet weekend of sunshine and feeding.
Slurpees, ribs and brisket and letting go.
Impetuous. Hedonistic. Spontaneous.
Delicious in many ways.
But some memories are reserved for me only.
I can only give you the tip.
Can’t slam it balls deep.

~~~~~~~
Read this. I'm a little bit teen today.

G friend: morning sweety
Dope J: hey babes
Dope J: so Ex Boy came over last night, yo
G friend: and?
G friend: he wants you back?
Dope J: and was trying to get at me
Dope J: he has a girlfriend he's too chickenshit to break up with
G friend: okay so what did he get lucky?
Dope J: and so he's like snuggling me watching tv on the couch
Dope J: and he's getting totally hard and he knows I know it
Dope J: and i'm like, ok, how's he gonna
make his move, you know? just intrigued.
G friend: okay you know you're the
only freak who can do him right
Dope J: I know it's true
G friend: can't help himself
G friend: no doubt
Dope J: so I just let him cop his cheap feels,
pretending not to notice
Dope J: like a clumsy teenager
G friend: okay taste but not eat
Dope J: and I just sit back
Dope J: it's funny
G friend: right on
Dope J: and he's getting all frustrated
G friend: hon, for you when it rains it pours
Dope J: and finally just looks at me, and says
Dope J: so what are we gonna do about this?
Dope J: what am I supposed to think?
G friend: and then...
Dope J: and I'm all
Dope J: what do you mean?
Dope J: he's all, do you want me to stop?
Dope J: and I'm like, look, you have a girlfriend
Dope J: and I'm not touching that drama
Dope J: he's like, why do you tease me then?
Dope J: and I'm like, yo, you tease yourself
I'm just sitting here, a human girl on planet earth.
Dope J: ha
Dope J: anyway
Dope J: so he's like, I guess it was naive of me to
think I could come here and get something for free
Dope J: and I'm like, baby you know I am expensive
Dope J: and I NEVER give it away for free
G friend: okay!!! how rude for him to assume
Dope J: I KNOW!
Dope J: so I'm like, I'm not hitting it with you
Dope J: even though sense memory
tells me that it would feel really good
Dope J: But remember, I have as a contraceptive
thought -- that he was like messing with Stank Ho
G friend: gross
G friend: good thing you remembered
Dope J: and I'm like, anyway, what do you mean, for free?
Dope J: and he's like, you know that we'd
have this one night and no one would ever have to know
G friend: what's u with these fucking dudes who
think that if they don't tell anyone they can get away with it
Dope J: so I'm like, how many of these
"let's take it to the grave" moments do you have with people?
Dope J: he's like, none. I said, you're a fucking liar.
I know how permissive and weak you are when your libido is raging
G friend: damn you go
Dope J: and he's like, okay there are things I won't talk about.
Dope J: and I’m like, exactly. I’m not free,
I’m actually more expensive than you can afford right now,
and I don’t need to be your dirty little secret. And I
don't want to be a part of your drama.

How I killed the vibe last night with Ex Boy.
Who came over because my other friend bailed on me last night,
we ordered food, played video games,
watched tv and cracked each other’s backs.

Then I felt the honey creeping in, the thick honey vibe. . .
but I kept up my firewall, and instead took this opportunity
to observe how he has not changed,
has not matured or become a man in any way.

And I’m sure his Harpy hasn’t taught him any new tricks.
The memory is more attractive than the
man-boy trying to cop his clumsy teenage feels on me.

I sent him home.
Disappointed in him.
Proud of myself.
Laughing at my life.

Not really sad.
Smiling with the Sun.
You like that? I’m smiling!