It's been another hectic week of this hectic time.
With each moment I feel that I am someone else.
Family Girl, Housemate Girl, Friend of your Childhood
Girl Friend, Friend Girl, Ex-Girlfriend, New Friend

The infintesimal me
The predatory me
Soft and yielding flesh over hard bones.

I imagine you sometimes as you must imagine me
Sitting behind a desk typing away
Eagerly absorbing choice packets
Information stimulus

What is your/my expression?
Staring at the screen.
I don't want webcam.

When I talk about crying, are you bored?
When I am self-deprecating, are you uninterested?
When I tell you about my latest trip into a
drug induced stupor, are you disgusted with me?

I'm not asking for judgement.
Just thinking.

Who am I?

Playing Ms. Pac-Man, smoking bowls.
Surfing for interesting porn mpegs.
Playing video games lying on the floor on my tummy.
Eating chips.
Using two fingers while shaving my kitty.

On the long cab rides home by myself.
The moment where I peel off all my clothes
to look into a full length mirror
Count the bruises and bite marks and finger marks on my body
Cupping the undersides of my breasts
Head cocked to the side
Heavy sigh
Little gasp of memory

Of my bra. a shirt, being torn off my body
Being tied up and facedown on a bed
Tiny helpless vulnerable
Tender
Squealing with pain
Teeth sinking into my sensitive flesh

The shock of pain
The sweetness of a tongue's rasp to "make it better"

Letting the brief moments of fear
blanket my brain and flash across my eyes
The same kind of thrill dropping in a roller coaster
Scared, but you know you're safe
And I was safe
Which enabled me to let go
To submit
And submission is sweet
Pain making the pleasure afterwards more acute

Physical pain to overcome the pain inside
That I am feeling
That I am fighting
That is a dull throbbing that won't go away

Exercise. Exorcise.

Message from Hugo this morning sending me into fits of tears
He wants his "personal effects"
boxed up and brought to him
Or he can come and pick them up

I want to see him, but I'm not ready
I'll want to kiss him.
Perhaps this absence will stimulate a
resurgence of feeling between us
Perhaps he will want to kiss me
Perhaps I will want to kiss him back

This is the man who has broken me
Broken my heart so many times
Hurt me over and over
Rejected me and yet kept me hanging on

And I stayed, I stayed with him
Because of my unilateral love for him
Because I was a believer
In our religion, our Dream
of a life together with someone who loved the whole of me.
Who made me feel safe.

Until safe turned to dependent.
And dependent turned to lazy.
And lazy turned to fat.
And fat turned into undesireable
and undesireable turned into Rejected.
And Rejected turned into resentment.
And Resentment turned into a hard angry pride.
And injured pride turned into anger.
Anger - > COLDNESS.
Coldness > Detachment.
Detachment + Anger + Injured Pride = IMPETUS
impetus > Change.

I can't say exactly what I feel for him now.
Because it's all mixed up, the memories of hate and love.
Both strong emotions, and I always seem to be fluctuating between the two.

I'm afraid of myself. I'm a danger to myself and others.
My Desire, My Sadness, My Mania
All equally powerful emotions within me.
I am in their Grip. I surrender to it.
I don't have energy to fight.

I am up I am down
I am happy and I am sad
I am old and I am new

Boys make my life complicated.

Mr. Sensible Erection was kind enough to link to me.
So I'm linking back.

Happy weekend.