good morning grid

a weekend off the grid
a welcome respite from the
ponderous thoughts

back to santa cruz
in the gold convertible
4 asian kitties
bumpin down hwy. 1

and for those moments this weekend
the sunshine and the wind whipping my hair
blue skies and brushed clouds and horizon
i felt a release, a peace, a quiet

this is what santa cruz means to me
this is why it is the home of my heart

the vitality of campus during grad weekend
10 ceremonies, 5 on Sat. 5 on Sun.
The pervasiveness of "hope" and "future"
Me, jaded and broken and tired.
Did I only finish school 2 years ago?

Fortified by the love and company of
family and loved friends.
Surrounding myself with the company of women.
Content to just be together, driving along West Cliff
gazing at the ocean and the tourists
happy for the moment
carefree for the moment
feeling nothing but youth and life

a world away from this hectic City existence
where all words are heavy and fall like stones
and the flow gets locked up in the mechanisms
we all employ to survive

For the first time in awhile, I was in the same town
as Hugo and Ex-boy.
And I didn't see either of them.
My choice. My time.

Leisurely strolls down Pacific Ave. and on campus
Inhaling the sweet air amongst the redwoods
the meadows, the ocean breeze and
the warmth of the sunshine
bare feet in flip flops
bare limbs exposed
getting brown again

Remembering the days I would go to the beach
shed all my clothes and walk into the ocean, naked.
Play Frisbee, topless.
and fuck slow in the meadow.

I feel more womanly returning to this town
Not a child-woman
Not like I was
Stronger than I have ever been
More solid in my resolve
More aware of my own needs
More aware of my own effect

For the moment, for my family, for my friends
I let my pain float away
released for the moment like a red balloon into the sky
and I watched it fly away from me
smiling like a child

Only to come back to the City
and feel the balloon string,
tethered to my heart
gently tugging.

No salacious tales.
No fantastic daydreams.
No erotic fantasies.

How boring, you must be thinking.
What happened to my little dope j in heat?
She's still around.
But she's on hiatus.
Trying to bring the flesh to the fantasy.
Substance to the seduction.
Un-lickety the split.