DJ Z-Trip and DJ P Remix of this song: Beautiful.

Letter from Hugo arrived via email yesterday. He's only beginning to focus on the bigger picture.
>
I want companionship, I need to be loved, I desire to be challenged, I want
to be understood completely.
Can you ever give me these things?
Difficult question to answer.
I went through the motions this weekend, I wonder if anyone realized?
Babe, why did we choose to go through the motions? We had an
opportunity to build something special; instead we allowed our tainted past
to control our interactions, communications, and beliefs.
I can only apologize for my part, and tell you that I'm available to talk.
Hope you were better able to "forget" this weekend than I.
>

I will leave him to ruminate.
I don't have the strength of heart at this moment to try to show him more.
He's a brilliant man. He will understand soon.

Yesterday @ werk.
Thankful I have an office now.
No one saw me weeping silently.
I couldn't stem the flow of tears.

Last week I was "ostensibly numb"; this week I am beginning to thaw.
It's making me tender to the touch, sensitive to light and loud sounds.

*******

Just as the Connoisseur loves women, I love men.
A smiling man is so attractive, esp. when he is laughing.
He is adept at smoothing out my rough and jagged and irritated edges Sometimes.
His secret weapons, more than what lies in his pants.
Patience, a teasing sense of humor, and a busload of affection.
Some days it charms me.
Some days it makes me want to throttle him.

Meanwhile, there is the volatile and sulky beautiful boy, impatient and often scowling.
But when the smile spreads across his perty mouth, softens him, I am enchanted.

While waiting yesterday by the Powell St. Cable Car line, across from the SF shopping center,
I am approached by a young man.

He approaches me with such familiarity, I think I must have either met him before,
or perhaps he is a friend of one of my sisters.

Wide, unflagging smile.

- Hi! he says but I have my headphones on.
- Hi, do I know you? Do you know me? I say, pulling off my headphones.
- I'm Carlos.
- Hi Carlos. Do you have a light?
- Yes. he takes out his lighter, and a pack of Newports.
- Thanks. he lights my Camel Light (I'm sorry I'm sorry. At least the one and only pack I have bought since "the Change"
isn't even halfway gone. That's good, isn't it?)
- What are you doing here? he asks.
- Waiting for my lover. I answer.
- It's a trip, I can't see your eyes.
I take off my sunglasses.
- Better, he says. You have beautiful eyes.
- Thanks, I say. So why are you talking to me? Did you come here to spit some game?
If so, go ahead. I'm interested in hearing it.
- I saw you standing here. You're very attractive. I thought I'd come and talk to you. So what's up?
- Hmm. I say. A week ago a 3 year relationship I was in, ended. Now I have no boyfriend, and I don't want one.
- But you're waiting for "your lover"? Don't play like that.
- He's right over there, I say, pointing to the Connoisseur, who is standing off to the side, he sees me but isn't coming over
until I'm finished with this guy. I've told him before that I prefer to handle these things on my own.
- So it's like that? Carlos says. Damn! He is still smiling, though. But not moving away.
- Yup. S'like that. I say. I wave at the Connoisseur, to bring him over, extend my hand to Carlos.
- Thanks for the light, I say.
- You're welcome, he says. Maybe I'll bump into you at a better time. He is holding on to my hand.
- Peace, I say. Then I turn to the Connoisseur, take his arm, and we walk away.

It's strange for me to be approached on a day like yesterday, when I didn't feel beautiful at all.
No makeup, well-insulated clothing that does little to really betray the shape of my body, my hair a
wind whipped mess. Interestingly enough, it is on days like this when I am more often approached by men.
Not when I'm tricked out, got all my war paint on, cleavage abundant.

I don't get it. I wasn't pretty yesterday.