I have a need to resist
Damn near hedonophobic
frighten me one more time
Resisting
Holding in my breath
Cutting off my oxygen
to prolong the last moment of ecstasy
fermata

light continuous stroke of a fingertip from my ankle to my knee
a lipsucking crushing kiss
persuasion
submission
seduction.

In the bedroom chamber of my mind
I can be very serious about commitment to fantasy
Mind always alert, assessing the shift in the energy,
in the dynamic. Who won that time?
Who was broken down?
Who wanted to be broken down?

In the living room of my mind
there’s naught but hazy clouds, giggles, and colorful popping bubbles
And I lie on my tummy with the controller in my hand
eat popcorn while we’re playing video games
Refreshingly numb, vacuous, child-like.

And I’m not so serious. I’m just a children, like all the rest.
A children reading In Defense of Masochism.

The fun guys are creeping closer
I want to take a ride on their blue stems

>>>>>>>>>>>>

“You've always liked that position the best, ever since we were kids."
"That's because that's the way we did it the first time, remember?"

Right. I remember.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

- Would you like me to make you feel good? he finally said softly.

After a few seconds of deep silence, no longer in doubt about the answer.

From far away she heard herself answer in a small voice.

- Yes...

- Come here.

Head bowed low
face obscured by a black curtain
eyes looking up at you

- What is it that you want?

- I can’t say it.

- If you can’t ask for it, then you can’t have it. You don’t deserve it.

- I know. Why do you think I stayed with Hugo so long?
To punish myself. To deprive myself of pleasure because I was ashamed to lack the courage to ask for it?

A thoughtful moment.

- You stayed with him because you were afraid to hurt him,
and because you have been too drugged to see clearly that you
don’t need to stay with him to protect his feelings, and deny your own?

- (silence)

- What are you afraid of? That I don’t want you? That you’ll want me?

- I’m projecting, aren’t I?

- He’s the one that traumatized you.

- But I think I detect a trend. I’m attracted to “inscrutable” men. Brow-furrowers.

- Stoic. Equally locked up in their own feelings.

- It’s so true. You need someone intuitive.

- Perceptive.

- Who draws you out.

- And smoothes me out.

I’ve already cum. To the same stuff as last night. It’s a nice progression.
Something will twist me out.

Now I can sleep. Alone in my bed, sleeping in an X.