i need more drugs
better drugs
to kill the pain
and force me to smile
take me away

I must eroticize it
the pain
the mundane
the stress
the mess

I am shaking with it, a little right now
alone in my room I am very very stoned
I've been on the phone
I've been crying
Talking to a friend
A friend of both of ours
we haven't told our friends
so I had to be the one. to say.
what I didn't really want to say out loud.
to someone who knew me
who knew us both.

i hemmed and hawed and she asked the right questions
and said what i could
and then i broke down, and it was just me,
just the real me, the most vulnerable one, the one who's crying now
the one who’s hurting so bad, who hides under the protective umbrage
of DJ, who doesn’t have words for her tears and sadness
i tried to explain
but it just didn't make sense
didn't seem real
but she knew what I meant
I asked if she would care for him
he doesn't have a lot of friends
with whom he can be weak

i am a girl with a boy's pride
and i can't stand my own weakness
so to weaken before someone
is often something shameful to me.

i have lots of machismo
"my chismo" as Hugo calls it
I am stubborn, willful, proud
and from the men in my life
I learned how to be callous
how to shut down
how to repress anger instead of working through the pain.

that's why I need a man.
stronger than I am.
a man I can trust.

These telepathic waves
either I can't control them
or I am a shapeshifting empath
but they don't preclude standard security measures

SEX is EASY.
PLEASURE is HARD.
ULTIMATE SATISFACTION TAKES:
imagination, trust, courage, determination.

I am highly volatile right now
Fucking radioactive
and glowing oddly from within
handle with care
don't make any sudden movements

My eyes are blazing black
and my skin is hot
and the pain sleeps
and the freak wakes
and she's hungry

wants to touch
wants to kiss
wants to touch tongues
wants to slide smooth
wants to scratch the itch
wants to soothe the ache
wants to be filled with something other than mourning
wants 30 seconds or more of peace and stillness,
being held closely by strong arms
oh please
oh please
I feel wild and feverish.
I’m shaking.

I need so badly for someone to absorb me.
But I am poison. poison.
Disorder.
Chaos.

And more skilled in fulfilling someone else's pleasure than my own.

My molecules are rearranging themselves as we speak.
I need something, I need a fix.

9 cigarettes total since last Thursday.

Normal Coping Strategy :

a)carton of cigs
b)playlist for booty calls
c)assortment of painkilling drugs
d)porn
e)**psychedelic drugs

Now I’ve only got c & d.

Oh, and chocolate of course.

If you could send me a box of chocolates, that would be lovely.
My favorite kinds are Cadbury’s Roast Almond, See’s Nuts and Chews, Lindt Milk chocolate/hazelnut.

Time for my meds. good night lover.