do you care about the girl?
or just the kitty she surrounds?

newsflash: and this does NOT make my headaches any better.

yesterday, a phone call from a cousin.
she's getting married this sept. to a man she's known all her life,
but has only been dating for a month.
she is "so happy".

this morning, before work.
my housemate asks to speak to me before
she leaves for work.
i open my door and she thrusts her hand to my face.
on her ring finger is a diamond ring.
Also, she is "so happy."
i choke, not knowing what to say in either case.
except that i am happy for them.

and i am, in a detached way.
oh that i were not so jaded and cynical about marriage.
now i have to be a bridesmaid.

there's not really anyone I know, not even my
best friend in the entire world (not a girl best friend)
who I could look in the eye and say:

i want to spend the rest of my life with you.
i will never lie to you.
i will be your joy, and you will be my joy.
our love will not be a cliche.
i want to breed with you.

it's a trip.

Hugo speaks often of our future.
How he is saving "for us", fully diversified in his assets "for us",
that he will work to give me the freedom from work so that I can focus
on maximizing all my wasted or unrealized talent.
And how he loves me now.

do i hold too much to the Hugo of 6 months ago,
the Hugo who broke me down with his cruelty and coldness?
he's done that to me twice now in our cumulative time together.


and now love has turned him into someone
soft and tender and loving with me.
Sometimes.
And I cannot really accept it wholeheartedly,
although I know I should allow love to flow.

I have warned him not to think of marriage with me.
But somehow I am a little afraid that he might get that
notion in his head, and I will not be moved by the gesture.

vox 1: why do you not want to get married, dj?
vox 2: why are you so afraid of it?
DJ: Who could love me in my Multiplicity?
Perhaps I am not made for marriage and breeding.
Perhaps I am a spiritual descendent of a tribe of independent women,
fierce warriors, skilled courtesans, and muse goddesses.
vox 1: you are not a myth.
vox 2: you exist although you turn your eyes away from your own existence.
DJ: Marriage means that you can't break
up with someone's Issues,
or your Issues Together.
Ever.
Forever.

Yeegads.