oversaturation of thc has left me,
my dilemmas and everything i wrote last week,
in these past two weeks, in a fuzzy cloud.

blogger was down on thursday.
and on friday i didn't go to work at all.

and this weekend I felt "normal"
like a normal girl

inside me though, the freak feigned sleep
peeking at me with one eye open
from behind her red curtain

I was one of the Lotophagi this weekend.
Moloko has a song of the lotus eaters.

If I could eat the lotus and forget, and be forever moving forward
towards the next day, today's girl would say yes.

Or perhaps I could just be the tour guide through the Land of the Lotus Eaters.

Today is supposed to be the day DSL comes back to my house.

Last night I had a messianic dream.

The visions are fading.

But they were Red.
I was flying through the air like a bullet, leaving a green electric trail blazing behind me.
Being sought out by forces that wished to control me.
I had a book, if I could recreate it I would, partitioned off
into 4 sections, each with an instruction manual and guides to navigating . . .something (the Universe?)
The sensation of being propelled very fast through the air was clear
I was moving so fast my ears were ringing
Everything was Red.
Something was ending.
Something was imminent.
Something was urgent.

Yikes.

I could take this to be portentous, but I was awash with love this weekend, from Hugo.
Tenderness and sensitivity and attention.
Love.
Affectionate desire.
Warmth, embrace.
He is intertwined in my outside world, with everyone I know.
Always helping people.
Always supportive, always good.

With me though, just not always on target.

Each side defining itself more clearly to me.
So I can make a choice.
I cannot make a false move.
I cannot bungle this.
I will not submit to undue pressure.

On the other side of Love is Art/
the Desire/the Pleasure/
the Escape/the Lonely Time/
the Pain/the Wishing/
the Hoping/the Yearning/
the Keening/the Feening/

It's easy to not look at myself/
when someone else is reflecting me/
projecting me/
It's easy to run and hide my face/
in the safety of Hugo's embrace

And meanwhile the girls are plotting
to sink their teeth into this City
"We need you" they say.

To wreak havoc I suppose.
To lead the sailors to our siren shore.
And I am the strongest singer.

One likes it hard and rough
One likes it smooth and deep
One just likes to kiss your mouth and fuck your eyes

Two are free, the other is not
Some e, a hotel key, and an eighth of pot
Stamina, imagination and a tongue like a pogo stick.
A man who knows how to wield his dick.
That's the trick.
We're the treat.
If you can provide the above,
then maybe we can meet.

Or maybe this is out of hand.
And I should extend my stay in Lotus Land.
And not think about my needs or kitty feeds

Selfish girl.

Right now my world is whirling with un-sexy thoughts.
This morning at my work, layoffs.
Simultaneously, a girlfriend was IM'ming me that she had just been laid off.
Another girlfriend laid off last Thursday.
Two abortions going on in my immediate circle.
A friend dying of lung cancer.
A girlfriend recently diagnosed with cervical cancer.
Friend in a car crash across the country.
Joey Ramone is no more.

I meanwhile am happy, healthy and loved.
If my freak sleeps for awhile longer, during this turbulent time,
then so be it.