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I need to see a professional to get some help on how to eradicate this persecution complex.
Because it sets off my defense mechanisms which are terrible and swift.
Combined with my newly awakened rage, it's an unmanageable combination.
But when I think about going to a therapist, I don't believe they would say anything I don't already understand about myself.

Therapist: Let's look at the root of why you feel persecuted.

DJ: Because of guilt issues.

T: Guilty about what?

DJ: Infidelity.

T: Why do you feel the need to be unfaithful?

DJ: Because I'm not getting what I want from my relationship.

T: Why can't you get what you want?

DJ: Because I don't know how to ask for it, I don't think I should have to ask for it, I don't think he can give it to me.

T: Then why do you stay in this unfulfilling relationship?

DJ: Because it's not completely unfulfilling. It satisfies me on many levels, just not all of them. I also have a lot of levels of need. I also no longer believe that there is One Man out there who can satisfy all my desires.

T: How would you expect someone to know, or understand, much less fulfill all these "levels of need" if you can't even communicate them yourself?

DJ: (Silence. Pause) I don't know. Intuition, experience? Destiny? I know it's unfair. I know I'm to blame.

T: Let's not place blame here.

DJ: Okay.

T: Would you be able to articulate it to me, what you want I mean? From your relationship?

Long pause.

DJ: It's a lot of things. Things which are rendered ridiculous when you itemize them or try to make them tangible.

T: Well, conceptually then, what do you feel is lacking in your current relationship? You speak in your writings about maximizing your inner freak. What does that mean to you? What is this inner freak? How do you wish to maximize it?

DJ: Can't you just read and infer, surmise, psychoanalyze?

T: I'd rather hear it from you in the most honest and simplest terms.

DJ: I can't, I don't know how to just say it, say what I want. I can say and talk about what you want, or what he wants or what someone else wants.

T: Do you know what you want?

DJ: Sort of?

T: Do you know what you don't want?

DJ: I don't want to be ignored. I want to be asked if there's something he's not doing for me.

T: To relieve you of the responsibility of telling him yourself?

DJ: Yes. I want him to pay attention, intuit, surprise, innovate, not just "learn the ropes" and memorize my "acts" as he likes to call it. I don't want a relationship based on Pavlovian training. I want him to pick up on my cues, cruise the same wavelength with me, talk to me. I am a 100% sentient being and I need constant stimulation for growth.

T: And have you tried telling him this?

DJ: Yes.

T: And the outcome?

DJ: He has his defense mechanisms too. And when I open up, he calls it being needy. When I tell him the root of my frustrations, he says I can't let go of the past and let bygones be bygones. When I tell him I don't feel wanted, he says he doesn't think like a typical guy, is not libido driven and I should be grateful for that. Should I be? He also says he's not interested in sex when things are bad between us. Then I tell him things are bad between us because we're not having sex.

T: Was your sex life ever satisfying to you?

DJ: Once. He got into my fantasies, played them out with me. Used to touch me all the time, even in "inappropriate situations". Now he says he loves me too much to "defile" me. What if I like being defiled once in a while?

T: So what changed is that his love for you went beyond physical lust?

DJ: I guess so.

T: Do you ever initiate role playing or anything like that with him anymore?

DJ: It's changed. Our sex is affectionate, to me, it's professional. There are too many roadblocks in my synapses now.
It's not for me. It's for Us. It's for Him.

T: Do you continue to orgasm when you have sex with him?

DJ: Yeah. I know how to get it from him, for myself. But he doesn't "give" them to me. Does that make sense?

T: Do you think there's any hope for change?

DJ: At this point, not really. I'm just maintaining the status quo, getting what I need, giving what is expected of me. Protecting everyone's feelings.

T: What about your feelings?

DJ: What about them?

T: Who takes care of them, makes them their #1 priority?

DJ: I don't think that's anyone's job.

T: Because it's your job?

Pause.

DJ: If it is my job, then I'm doing it. Thus the dissociation. The multiplicity. The secret lives to fulfill desires which I guess are secret.

T: Why do you feel the need to keep your desires a secret? Is there anything you feel ashamed about with regard to what you want?

Pause.

DJ: I'm mostly ashamed that I can't ask for it. Not with my true voice. Not to the person with whom I've been sharing my life and my future for almost 3 years.

T: Do you feel you deserve it, to get what you want and need?

DJ: Yes and no.

T: Why no?

DJ: Because I'm a coward.
Because I can't ask for it.
And if I can't ask for it, then I don't deserve it.
I'm aware that I can make things happen.
I guess I feel that I have to punish myself (pseudo-ascetism) or starve myself because I am angry at myself for my cowardice.

T: So you go after what you want, in secret, armed with a more powerful and single-minded alternate personality, this Dopamine Junkie?

DJ: Yes. Because the real me is too scared.

T: Scared of what?

DJ: Scared of the truth I intuit from Hugo -- that he doesn't get me, and might never get me. Scared that he's the One because he holds down so much of my life for me, I can see the future with him. Successful young couple, homeowners, children.
He's always said that once he makes enough money, that he'd support me so I could just write and sing at nightclubs and own a restaurant or a shoe boutique or anything I really want to do.

T: That's quite a carrot to dangle in front of you.

DJ: Isn't it though?

T: These things you say Hugo does for you -- the stability, the damage control, the professional couple on the marriage trajectory, the "normal" life, his support of your artistic endeavors -- aren't these all things you can do for yourself?

DJ: Yes, I know. I know they are. But not necessarily things (work) I want to do for myself. Not if someone can provide them for me.

T: What about the intangibles? The love, the passion, the stimulation, the growth, the journey together?
Will you forego all of that because you're too lazy? Because you don't have enough "energy" for "upheaval"?
Because you prefer the safety of your "status quo"?

DJ: My status quo is changing.

T: Yes, it sounds like it from your recent actions and decisions.

DJ: So what do I do? What can I do? How can I make my life to be what I want it to be?

T: Mmmm.

_end stream of consciousness_

Sometimes I feel I have this strange responsibility to provide quality smut filled content.

"The sex isn't good anymore."

And so we drift away. To other porn sites, to our respective others, to our silent voyeuristic fantasies.
To our lives and our lovers. To real as opposed to virtual kisses and caresses. Which is as it should be.